A smile across a sea of people

A look only you know

Silent gestures of gentle sweet musk

Nature, getting lost and cleaning chaos across the city

You, woman, are stronger than you can even imagine

You, woman, are the life behind your drive

You, woman, are the thrill to your existence

You, woman, are an honor to be beside

You, woman, give breath to your past

'Everything I Wanted' by Billie Eilish

What a beautifully eerie voice. Never fails to impress me.

Random appreciation post

Can I just say how amazed I am at the type of LGBT media that has come out (pun intended) in the last couple of years?

Having seen the new season of Atypical - how can you not be surprised?! I remember being a teen and the only shows that existed were 'South of Nowhere', 'Skins' and 'the L Word'. I also remember 'Imagine Me and You' and 'Lost and Delirious'. Gosh.. 

Now you have many webseries to choose from, Netflix series, movies..! It is wonderful. You get different genres too.. I am literally so hyped that there is this such variety, that characters are so diverse and relatable. That they are portrayed with great complexity. 

I love how their intimate scenes are conveyed naturally, with humor and passion.

I think if I had some of these shows growing up, it would have been great as some of the movies mostly portrayed for my age group at that time lead to a character dying or a lot of drug use and behaviours/lives which I couldn't relate to.

Λόγος αγάπης

Σ'αγαπώ γιατί μου έμαθες να ψάχνω τη λεπτομέρεια στις πράξεις, στα πράγματα, στα λόγια. Να εκτιμώ την απλότητα, τη φύση και τη χειρονομία. Να βρίσκω αιτίες να μείνω και να παλέψω, να γίνομαι καλύτερη και να επιδιώκω τον αλληλοσεβασμό στις σχέσεις μου. Μου έμαθες ότι η ανθρωπιά είναι η μεγαλύτερη αξία μαζί με την αξιοπρέπεια. 

Σ'αγαπω γιατί μου έμαθες να κάνω διάλογο, να μαθαίνω για τις εναλλακτικές, να κάνω ένα βήμα πίσω όταν πρόκειται για μεγάλη απόφαση ή δύσκολη στιγμή. Μα, μου έμαθες ότι η αποτυχία είναι, κι αυτή, κομμάτι του παζλ. Ότι η σκληρή δουλειά είναι δική μου, δε μπορεί να μου τη πάρει κανείς.

Σ'αγαπώ γιατί σε είδα να περνάς τις δυσκολίες σου με μεγαλύτερη δίψα για ζωή. Να τραγουδάς και να γεμίζεις με ελπίδα και κέφι το περιβάλλον γύρω σου.

Σ'αγαπώ γιατι χάθηκες, και μέσα στην απουσία σου βρήκα τον εαυτό μου κι ένα πείσμα που δε ξέρω κι εγώ που ήταν κρυμμένο. Μέσα στην αρρώστια σου βρήκα μια αλήθεια, μέσα στην φάση σου βρήκα έναν απώτερο σκοπό. Με έκανες να αγαπήσω τη ζωή γιατί, μαζί σου, ένιωθα πως δεν έφτανε ποτέ ο χρόνος.

Σ'αγαπώ γιατί έβρισκες χιούμορ στις πιο δύσκολες στιγμές. Μεγαλώνοντας, συνειδητοποίησα ότι αυτό το χαρακτηριστικό είναι ό,τι πιο γοητευτικό σε έναν άνθρωπο, φίλο και μη. Μου έμαθες ότι όλα μπορούν να γίνουν, φτάνει να υπάρχει θέληση. Κρυβόμασταν να φιληθουμε, να κρατήσουμε χέρια, να ολοκληρώσουμε. Νομίζω ο χρόνος μαζί σου με έκανε να εκτιμήσω ότι τα πάντα τελειώνουν αλλά δεν σημαίνει πως δεν μπορείς να απολαύσεις το τώρα. 

Some stuff to remember

-Cooking food and nourishing your body
-Meeting new people in London, at the dentist, on the street, bonding over stuff that happens on the tube (eg kids playing playground games, a little girl looking at her fellow passenger’s phone and him explaining what he was doing - having others smile and look away at them)
-Lentil soup and lahmajoun at Ammo’s house, bonding over music, poems, aspirations, history and art with your cousin. Chatting away on the tube about relationships, LGBT culture, our family
-Getting your nails done
-Black coffee, chai latte, cinnamon
-Keeping in touch with people
-Reading books you have accumulated
-Welcoming friends of friends, meeting them for the first time on the street home and recognising them as they were on their way to get ice cream, learning new things, them showing you an art book they found in an exhibition in Edinburgh. Exchanging ideas about art and originality. Them being gentle and soft spoken
-Hugs and music with your friend over food and hygiene practices
-Going house visiting and coming across a dog show; G&T re-usable cups, churros that weren’t the hype we expected them to be, African music in the car
-Being on Oxford Street, five years later, on the exact same day. Instead of friends and playing guitar at the centre, on a date that thankfully ran a few minutes late!
-Looking up from my phone, seeing her eyes and warm smile for the first time. Shaking hands, noticing a gesture she makes when she is nervous.
-The feeling of wanting to shout ‘respectfully, damn’ multiple times throughout the date but keeping cool externally.
-Being over aware of movements of getting closer due to the loud music too, body language, leaning in, eye contact and her looking away, placing legs on sides of chairs.
-Sense of consideration, kindness, intelligence, inside jokes, flirting; traveling long distances and staying out late even if she had work early the next day and you had to go to Manchester in the early morning hours
-When you tell her off for not wearing a helmet when she rides her bike to work but you get owned because you occasionally smoke cigarettes (same risky behaviour).
-Laughing with friends about everything and anything until your cheeks hurt. Remembering uni moments, feeling happy to have kept in touch.
-A friend of yours always needing a charger, getting her phone fully charged and it running out so fast even if she didn’t do anything!
-Your sister finding her wedding dress 
-Running through Piccadilly Gardens when the water is on
-G&T before heading back
-Ed Sheeran’s music and feeling flirty
-Feelings of familiarness in being back in the North

T. Άγρας, 'Τώρα που λείπεις'

Δεν υπόσχομαι κάτι πλέον.. ούτε βλέπω μια σχέση ή κατάσταση ως η αρχή και το τέλος. Τίποτα δεν είναι αρχή και τίποτα τέλος όσο θετικό ή αρνητικό κι αν είναι. Ξέρω, ακούγεται δραματικό αλλά είναι τόσο σημαντικό!

Όταν ερωτεύεσαι ή περνάς μάθημα ή κάνεις σεξ ή αθλείσαι ή φιλάς κάποιον ή κάνεις το οτιδήποτε.. η υπόσχεση αυτών στο μέλλον μαραίνει το παρόν τους. Ο φόβος μη τα χάσουμε ή δε τα ξαναζήσουμε επισημαίνει την ανάγκη μας την ανθρώπινη να χρειαζόμαστε επιβεβαίωση, συντροφιά ή και να αφεθούμε σε μια ιδέα, σε έναν άνθρωπο.

Στο κάτω κάτω, έχουμε τη γνώση και τη βούληση να αποφασίζουμε για ορισμένα πράγματα. Η φυσιολογία μας σαν κοινωνικά όντα πληρεί κάποιες βιολογικές ανάγκες. Ξέρω ότι η έλλειψη ή επάρκεια κάποιων νευροδιαβιβαστών μπορούν να οδηγήσουν σε κάποια συμπτώματα ή η μη λειτουργία κάποιων νευρώνων να επηρεάσουν τις αισθήσεις. Πάντα μου άρεζε να ''ξεδιψάω'' τη περιέργειά μου μ'αυτά τα θέματα. Όμως η απάντηση φτάνει σε ένα όριο - όλα είναι υποθέσεις βασισμένες σε δοκιμές. Ξέρουμε ότι το να ακολουθούμε κάποιες συνήθειες μας δίνει μεγαλύτερη πιθανότητα να αναπτύξουμε επίκτητα νοσήματα ή να αυξήσουμε προδιάθεση για αυτά. Όλοι είμαστε μια μοναδική εξωτερίκευση του είναι μας. Μια έκφανση της ριζωμένης αυτοπραγματικότητας.

Η ανθρώπινη ανάγκη να επιθυμούμε ταύτιση (και ταυτότητα!), έρχεται σε στιγμές. Το βίωμα της συλλογικότητας, το να θέλουμε να ανήκουμε σε κάτι μεγαλύτερο από εμάς είναι πρωτίστως βιολογικό. Αυτό, άλλωστε, φαίνεται στην παγκόσμια ιστορία, στα ήθη κι έθιμα, στα επιτεύγματα πολλών γνωστών και μη ανθρώπων.

Πέραν από τις αποφάσεις μου να σου παρουσιάσω τα λόγια, το σώμα μου, τις χειρονομίες μου δεν με ξέρεις. Ξέρεις αυτά που διαλέγω να σου δείξω. Ούτε εγώ ξέρω εσένα. Ποια είναι τα όρια της αυτοδιάθεσής μας, λοιπόν; Ίσως αυτό να είναι το πιο στενάχωρο. Γιατι, για να φτάσουμε όσο πιο κοντά στη φανέρωσή μας, πρέπει να είμαστε ευάλωτοι, ειλικρινείς και να κρατάμε πολύτιμη και καλοδεχούμενη την αυτοκριτική. Μεγάλη γοητεία η αυτοκριτική.

Γι'αυτό, για μενα πλέον δεν έχουν νόημα οι υποσχέσεις ούτε τα μεγάλα λόγια. Αν κάτι το ζήσω, νιώθω ευγνωμοσύνη ότι έχω τις αισθήσεις μου κι είμαι παρούσα σ'αυτό το θαύμα που παίρνουμε σαν δεδομένο. Επικοινωνώ όταν θέλω να εκφράσω αγάπη, στεναχώρια κτλ λέω αυτά που σκέφτομαι, ζητώ συγγνώμη, δε περιμένω γιορτή ή Σαββατοκύριακο να κάνω αυτά που πραγματικά θέλω.. νιώθω ήρεμη έτσι. Κι ας μην τα ξαναζήσω, κι ας μην με ακολουθήσει το τάδε άτομο στα επόμενα χρόνια.

Κι ας πιστεύουν ότι είμαι ευαίσθητη (λες κι είναι κακό) ότι είμαι ανόητη ή δεν καταλαβαίνω την εκμετάλλευση. Μια χαρά καταλαβαίνω, έχω βιώσει τόσα κι ακόμη δεν έχω δει τίποτα.. εγώ όμως αποφασίζω πως χειρίζομαι τις καταστάσεις στη ζωη μου. Εγώ ξέρω μόνο πως είναι η συνείδησή μου και τα βράδια πως κοιμάμαι.

It's that time of year again. I sat down to think about where I have lived, the amount of times I have moved, the clothes and items which have accumulated. It is easier to keep things organised if there's a plan. I remember coming to the UK with one large and one small suitcase. That is definitely not the case for this next move but I must say I am happy with the progress so far.

York has been really lovely. I met people and made some great memories. Funny how we experience friendship and love when we are surrounded by a different background. Different needs are amplified when your mind is focusing on other things. Opportunities exist all around us and I could have easily been writing this in another city, having followed a different academic path, chosen other friends and partners etc.

Looking forward to having a flat that I can actually walk in! It seems kind of weird but I am so excited. I can't wait to cook for visitors and for my flatmate and have coffees and parties and listen to new music, visit random places for the first time..!

It is hard to not be mesmerized by people in London. I have seen so many beautiful faces, each doing their own thing. It is such a buzzing city, you almost feel it has its own heartbeat and you are so so small. I love how life unfolds. I love how your eyes connect with a stranger and in that moment you are gone. It reminds you how fragile and passing people and situations are. It almost invites you to ''bet'' and risk yourself, any sense of seriousness and give into being playful, silly, daring.

I had a few dreams about someone these days. How can dreams have so much tension? They felt so real. In the first, I saw her and she wanted me to give her attention. I remembered how “uninhibited” things felt; I just kept on kissing her arms, hands and then forehead softly. But this was all happening as if we were having a daily conversation about life and people.

Another dream I had involved her again and she apparently had a really good time out with my friends and family but I couldn’t be there and I felt sad. I really wanted to be there to see her share moments with my siblings, make jokes with them, tease me. It reminded me of my siblings’ partners and how beautiful it is to have people like that in their life. It makes you wonder what is waiting for you.. that the same life events won’t be celebrated in the same way, if any.  

Oats In The Water by Ben Howard

Go your way

I’ll take the long way ‘round

I’ll find my own way down

As I should

And hold your gaze

There’s coke in the Midas touch

A joke in the way that we rust

And breathe again

And you’ll find loss

And you’ll fear what you found

When the weather comes

Tearing down

There’ll be oats in the water

There’ll be birds on the ground

There’ll be things you never asked her

Oh how they tear at you now

Go your way

I’ll take the long way 'round

I’ll find my own way down

As I should

And hold your gaze

There’s coke in the Midas touch

A joke in the way that we rust

And breathe again

And you’ll find loss

And you’ll fear what you found

When the weather comes

Tearing down

There’ll be oats in the water

There’ll be birds on the ground

There’ll be things you never asked her

Oh how they tear at you now 

Γεμίζοντας το κενό με χιούμορ - Κατερίνα Βρανά (TEDxAUEB)

Πριν πάθει σηψαιμία ήταν από τις καλύτερες -κατά τη γνώμη μου- κωμικούς του χώρου.. το ότι μέσω της αρρώστιας της μπόρεσε να το παλέψει και να ανεβάσει μια τέτοια παραγωγή την καθιστά ακόμη πιο ταλαντούχα κι αξιέπαινη στα μάτια μου.

Χθες παρακολούθησα ένα ντοκιμαντέρ για τη ζωή της. Υπήρχαν σκηνές από την ίδια με την οικογένειά της στο σαλόνι τους κι άλλες με την ίδια να κάνει φυσιοθεραπεία στο νερό ή σε ένα άλλο δωμάτιο. Το γεγονός ότι άφησε τις κάμερες να την ακολουθήσουν σ'αυτές τις πιο προσωπικές κι ''ευάλωτες'' στιγμές της και να είναι τόσο ετοιμόλογη με έκανε να (χαμο)γελάσω πραγματικά.

Αυτό που μου φάνηκε ενδιαφέρον είναι πως της ήρθε η ιδέα για το σταντ απ τη στιγμή που ξύπνησε από το κώμα! Τί μεγαλείο ψυχής χρειάζεται για να αντιμετωπίζεις τον κίνδυνο, την αβεβαιότητα και τον θάνατο με χιούμορ; Ίσως να είναι από τις πιο γοητευτικές και δυναμικές στάσεις που μπορεί να κρατήσει κανείς.

Στο παραπάνω βίντεο, εξήγησε πως όταν παθαίνεις κάτι τέτοιο όλα αλλάζουν σημασία. Το πτυχίο, το επάγγελμα, το άγχος για μικροπράγματα παίρνουν διαφορετική διάσταση. Στο τέλος του βίντεο κατέληξε στο συμπέρασμα πως όλα μπορούν να αντιμετωπιστούν με 'αγάπη, σεβασμό και γέλιο'.

Δε θα μπορούσα να συμφωνήσω περισσότερο!

'Αντίο' - Τάσος Λειβαδίτης

Κάποτε μια νύχτα θ΄ ανοίξω τα μεγάλα κλειδιά των τρένων για να περάσουν οι παλιές μέρες οι κλειδούχοι θα ΄χουν πεθάνει, στις ράγιες θα φυτρώνουν μαργαρίτες απ΄τα παιδικά μας πρωινά κανείς δεν έμαθε ποτέ πως έζησα, κουρασμένος από τους τόσους χειμώνες τόσα τρένα που δεν σταμάτησαν πουθενά, τόσα λόγια που δεν ειπώθηκαν, οι σάλπιγγες βράχνιασαν, τις θάψαμε στο χιόνι που είμαι; γιατί δεν παίρνω απάντηση στα γράμματά μου; κι αν νικηθήκαμε δεν ήταν απ΄ την τύχη ή τις αντιξοότητες, αλλά απʼ αυτό το πάθος μας για κάτι πιο μακρινό κι ο αγέρας που κλείνει απότομα τις πόρτες και μένουμε πάντοτε έξω όπως απόψε σε τούτο το ερημικό τοπίο που παίζω την τυφλόμυγα με τους νεκρούς μου φίλους. Όλα τελειώνουν κάποτε. Λοιπόν, αντίο! Τα πιο ωραία ποιήματα δεν θα γραφτούν ποτέ….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwYv7YTlRFc

Today was an important day which brings me one step closer to getting the opportunity to practice my profession (at least in one way). All the years of hard work, missing holidays, birthdays, seeing family, friends, lovers.. rearranging meetings, fitting in a few coffees or gatherings..  it all came down to today. The anticipation, the exhaustion (physical and emotional) came out. The stuff leading up to it is almost comical. My wrist getting sprained, getting my period a week early, getting the cold..!

The things that have happened leading up to this really don't matter when I think about it. They don't matter but they also had to take place for me to be where I am today.

On the train back to York I saw the coast leaving Sunderland.. it was so beautiful. The weather was so sunny.. not a cloud in the sky. I saw old classmates.. people with whom I have grown and laughed with since I started this journey.

I am so humbled to have gathered these experiences but it also opened my eyes to the variety of opportunities out there. While learning is never immobile, I really would like to finally ''seal'' this phase, close the book and open a new chapter. With this title, I hold a title of pride and responsibility. Accountability and openness. Safeguarding and valour in the face of corruption or the easy route. Damn the easy route but also, damn the part of me mourns for my youth. Damn our fixation with youth. It is going but there is more life to come.

I want to really value the small things, to live with all my senses. Sometimes there is a security to living vicariously, but there is an empty charm awaiting to be seized.

Little Moments With People

When a shy person smiles to themselves because of a pun or a sassy comment you made, you have a victory on your hands! The way their eyes fixate on yours and how much of a good listener they are.

Sitting on benches in town or next to the art gallery, talking about the most random topics and watching drunk people pass by/funny scenarios playing out. Serenity in opening up with them. 

Using glasses, bottles, lemon slices (aka Cyprus) to explain the journey of your ancestors and the geographical location of countries.

Asking a gastronomy graduate what they think of McDonalds food and them replying with ‘their food safety is pretty good’. Them analysing food wherever we go because of their qualifications.

Visiting a bar with many crosses and religious symbolism - my grandmother would love this. Them understanding your cultural background.

Voice recordings with friends you don’t speak to often whether they’re from the same country and have a sassy boyfriend who joins in or in another country and lonely.

Them not knowing about ‘cold coffee’. Becoming a regular at a coffee place called 'Bean and Gone'.

Asking them how often they eat chocolate and to be honest; them being embarrassed to say they have 2 bars of chocolate a week!

Being out for hours, losing track of time and playing it cool although you’re both cold!

Discovering new cafes and bars in the town you studied in after you’ve left it. Having a drink in a quiet bar with an old friend.

Them randomly revealing they have Raynaud’s and you laughing at how nonchalantly it was mentioned. 

Mentioning you have an exam you need to wake up for in a couple of hours and them getting over-protective and shocked.

Them offering to drop you off home and you exclaiming ‘road trip!’ every time you turn into a specific roundabout.

Always asking them to text you when you get home.

Carmilla Season 3 Episode 22

"You’re struggling, and you’re allowed to, because the universe is huge and it’s arbitrary, and uncaring. One moment you can get sucked into a hell pit and the next moment you can get pulverized by a meteor, and really in the grand spectrum of things it’ll mean nothing. The point is, if nothing means anything, then the only thing that means something is what we make. I mean, look at me. I used to use hopelessness as an excuse for all the awful things that I did. Until this prissy little overachiever that I was totally planning on handing over to my mother unraveled all of my plans, because she thought we all deserved better. Even me. 

And yeah, you are flawed. And struggling, and uncertain, but it is so beautiful the way you try." - Carmilla

22/04/2019

Μια γρατσουνιά. Μικρές, μηχανικές κινήσεις μπορούν να οδηγήσουν σε ένα τροποποιημένο, αγιοποιημένο αποτέλεσμα. Ένα άγαλμα, μια ζωγραφιά, ένα κύτταρο που συνεχώς πολλαπλασιάζεται, συνήθειες αυτοκαταστροφής, κινήσεις που επιφέρουν έκρηξη, έκπληξη, ηδονή ή και δημιουργία.

Παίρνουμε αποφάσεις σε καθημερινή βάση. Αποφάσεις για την υγεία μας, την εκπαίδευσή μας, τις διαπροσωπικές μας σχέσεις. Οι πιο σημαδιακές στιγμές έρχονται από παραπομπές πιθανοτήτων.. από την ύπαρξη των παραλλάξεων.

Είναι εύκολο και δικαιολογημένο να παραδοθούμε στην μοίρα και στην ανάλυση των δυστυχιών μας. Η αλήθεια είναι πως δε ξεθυμαίνει μια αρνητική κατάσταση με το να την αποφεύγουμε.. ούτε γεννιούνται τα επιτεύγματα όταν μένουμε άπρακτοι. Το θέμα είναι να είμαστε ρεαλιστές κι ειλικρινείς με τον εαυτό μας. Αυτό που με κάνει να αγαπώ τη ζωή είναι ότι με εξιτάρουν οι εκδοχές της.

Είναι τόσο ελκυστικό στα μάτια μου να βλέπω τη γενναιότητα ενός ανθρώπου με αυτογνωσία και πάθος. Να αναγεννάται από τα λάθη και να συλλογίζεται τη βελτίωση. Να έρχεται πιο κοντά στη θεμελίωση του εαυτόυ του. Να βλέπω έναν άνθρωπο να χαμογελάει με τη τύχη και να παίζει μαζί της.


Copyright © M.E.S

Α. Μπίστικας, 'Ήρθες...'

Pastel Fragments

We can plan trips to see coasts woven into longitudes of wonder

We can devour wine enriched with subtle tastes of fortitude and nostalgia 

We can wander around neighbourhoods tucked away amongst the city's flashy buzz

We can notice time passing, connect a song to a person, a taste to a memory, a smell to a feeling 

But all those notions are a mosaic amongst a microcosm of fractals; all those pieces are the codified, mesmerising armour of our perceptions of each other. 

And the greatest truth or regression: in an attempt to create or immerse in the reality of the other, we pierce and probe the surface - when the divine is found in the shattered remains. 

Copyright © M.E.S

Today, I went back to the town where I studied in and promoted my placement to 3rd year students. It literally felt like yesterday that I was in their position. I hadn't been there since my graduation. It felt so strange. Sort of like when a limb goes numb and you regain circulation and sensation in it a few moments later!

It has been six months since I started this placement and I feel like I have learned so much and matured. I feel like university tries to prepare you as much as possible but having experience is crucial to deliver that theoretical knowledge acquired over the years (regardless of how much case based learning you go through). The empirical knowledge is so so different. In the university setting you are often ''protected'' by the sheltered environment. Your answer or suggestions will not cause any real harm (maybe to your ego!). Your attempts at diagnosis, referral points and lab results are genuine and are worked out on a 'ruling out' basis (much like practice) but there are no real consequences.

I feel like this experience has brought me so much closer to patients and their understanding. I got to know the people behind some of the prescriptions and names I know. I saw what a difference tone of voice and body language have to patients when they come and seek your advice. What a difference it makes to introduce yourself to them and seek solutions or just provide a safe environment for them to vent to.

In the university events I have been attending, students act and express the same concerns my year did when we were in their position. There still is the notion of hospital pharmacists obviously being ''more academic'' versus community or other sector ones. I find it funny because it also existed when I was in university and you can see it in the students you approach to talk to that, for some reason, them expressing the idea that they want to go into hospital is more ''prestigous'' or ''intellectual''. How funny that a sense of elitism exists in every profession! 

Ended up going to a Syrian restaurant and heading home. The parents are visiting for a few days and I am so excited to hug them and spend time with them. Haven't seen them since graduation too! How crazy is that.

Think of the sacrifices we make on a daily basis for our work, our degree, our children or even our well being. How we often put off doing what we want. We categorize our happiness on life milestones such as getting married, getting pregnant, having a new job, finding a new partner or even starting all over again in a new city.

Life is happening now. It is going to carry on, like it has many times before when you wondered how you would wake up in the morning and proceed with your day. The sun will rise even if your heart got broken or someone's words burned the inner fabrication of your being; the night will arrive when you will long for the momentary release of not being immersed in an existential multiwoven soliloquy. 

Coat your sorrow with adventure and wonder, learn to find peace in solitude. Try something you haven't before. Let yourself wander into a museum and don't look at the time (unless you obviously have to be somewhere). Some interesting encounters in my life so far came from appreciating my alone time. They also came from traveling long distances or 'going through Istanbul' as my teachers used to say.. I have come to peace with it. 

I have come to peace knowing that I will live a life of more funny coincidences, simple gestures of love and clumsy situations. Perhaps it is the way I perceive the world or what I attract and what I expect. I do not, by no means, want a life without laughter or sense of defeatism. 

New Year's (Re)solution

Perhaps it is the futility of the date
That happiness comes in waves
The aftertaste is rippling, uneven, maybe even perfect.

Perhaps my luck with partners or family has a way of materialising itself on important days and celebrations; my life is a series of clumsy comedic examples. Such as when I scratched my family car on my Mom's birthday as I was out to get her a gift but had to ring her. How, an online childhood crush ended up kissing a good friend of mine one New Year's eve when my family and I were in Beirut. Such as when my ex broke up with me on New Year's Eve a few years ago. Or when a love interest texted me  we didn't seem to be the right fit today.

Yesterday I had so much fun at the Japanese restaurant across the station. How two girls walked in and I knew they were a couple by the way they stood beside each other without even having to touch or say anything. I found it so funny how, when I got back from the bathroom, my older sister was talking to them because she knew one of them from uni. I felt their stares pierce through my skin out of curiosity.. I chuckled when my older sister asked me if I knew they were gay (yes) and if I thought they knew I was (yes).

I had so much fun at the flat with Mandy's cocktails, Ross' music selections, Dave's simple passcode to his devices, Maria's Greek heritage with Scottish touches and Maral's ability to be an inclusive soul. I felt so alive in the club, dancing with complete strangers and my loved ones. I loved how barstaff interacted with clients, the unspoken nod of acknowledgement. I smile when I think of the girls in the bathroom which was full opened the door and told me to come back because the toilets weren't in use (they were all just chatting outside them). I remembered why I always felt nostalgic when I was in Glasgow. How people and life seemed so simple, intense, proud.

On the drive back to Edinburgh I hadn't answered her text. Not because I was ignoring it but because thoughts always find a way to think the worst (and I may have been feeling motion sickness). I have learned to wait a bit after receiving unfortunate news. We were driving in the highway and the sky was pitch black with the exception of some scattered stars. Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro and I Want The World To Stop by Belle and Sebastian echoed in the speakers.

I heard my sisters and their boyfriends chat away about people and life and I realised I am sad it had to end but I am grateful for it.