16/04/13

Leave my shadow alone, let me be.

If I want to have thoughts of chains, let chains surround me.

And if I want to carve those eyes in the four walls that encircle me, give me a needle.

For I will have the patience of the world at the tip of my fingers and continue shaping with wounds on my heart and mind.

Give me a valley to view and I will reveal to you the wonders of my adolescence.

The truth of nature was kinder to me than human touch and false hopes.

Present me with a challenge and I will endure it – because it is who I am.

Let me bask in hypocrisy, regret and guilt but my conscience will not long after burst with a fire so powerful, it won’t let my senses find serenity.

Analyze my existence - dissect my desires.

And you will find a plethora of weaknesses.

But not so far under, a profound love and altruism will overflow and perish – so suddenly and beautifully that there will be no question of the destination of their fate.

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Quote by Richard Linklater

I always feel like a freak, because I’m never able to move on like this, you know? People just have an affair, or even entire relationships; they break up and they forget. They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals. I was never able to forget anyone I’ve been with. Because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That’s why I’m very careful with getting involved, because it hurts too much. Even getting laid; I actually don’t do that. I will miss the most mundane things of the person. Like I’m obsessed with little things. Maybe I’m crazy, but when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late for school. One day she followed me to see why; I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees rolling on the sidewalk, or ants crossing the road; the way a leaf cast a shadow on a tree trunk; little things. I think it’s the same with people. I see little details in them, so specific to each of them, that move me, and that I miss, and will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details. Like I remember the way your beard has a bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow that morning, right before you left. I remember that, and I missed it. I’m really crazy, right?

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03/04/2013

Feelings of familiarity return as I make my way down the roads that once were difficult to look at.

So many memories of this town and of these people.

I am constantly reminded of personalities, characteristics, old habits and the Paradox.

I have come to the conclusion that there will always be one – it will follow me wherever I may be and whoever I am with simply because it is a part of self discovery.

I am frequently reminded of the fact that life goes on and that somewhat saddens me but makes me silently value myself and others as a chaotic entity of beauty and timelessness.

If I have experiences based on common situations, why do I feel hesitant but confident?

Confused but certain?

Discouraged but ecstatic?

I can’t put my head around it this time because I know that it is a simple decision.

Regardless of how simple it might be though, I can’t make choices based exclusively on what the majority of people would do for easier purposes.

I once read a phrase that I believe is quite true; the phrase was ‘if something is difficult/causes you pain, then it is worth it’ and I couldn’t agree with it more. I just believe that what each individual perceives as difficult or painful varies depending on their interpretation and personal mental/physical strength.

Timing was never really something I went well with but I often try to find a way to humor my reality with leniency.

Let’s see where this takes us.

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