Think of the sacrifices we make on a daily basis for our work, our degree, our children or even our well being. How we often put off doing what we want. We categorize our happiness on life milestones such as getting married, getting pregnant, having a new job, finding a new partner or even starting all over again in a new city.

Life is happening now. It is going to carry on, like it has many times before when you wondered how you would wake up in the morning and proceed with your day. The sun will rise even if your heart got broken or someone's words burned the inner fabrication of your being; the night will arrive when you will long for the momentary release of not being immersed in an existential multiwoven soliloquy. 

Coat your sorrow with adventure and wonder, learn to find peace in solitude. Try something you haven't before. Let yourself wander into a museum and don't look at the time (unless you obviously have to be somewhere). Some interesting encounters in my life so far came from appreciating my alone time. They also came from traveling long distances or 'going through Istanbul' as my teachers used to say.. I have come to peace with it. 

I have come to peace knowing that I will live a life of more funny coincidences, simple gestures of love and clumsy situations. Perhaps it is the way I perceive the world or what I attract and what I expect. I do not, by no means, want a life without laughter or sense of defeatism. 

New Year's (Re)solution

Perhaps it is the futility of the date
That happiness comes in waves
The aftertaste is rippling, uneven, maybe even perfect.

Perhaps my luck with partners or family has a way of materialising itself on important days and celebrations; my life is a series of clumsy comedic examples. Such as when I scratched my family car on my Mom's birthday as I was out to get her a gift but had to ring her. How, an online childhood crush ended up kissing a good friend of mine one New Year's eve when my family and I were in Beirut. Such as when my ex broke up with me on New Year's Eve a few years ago. Or when a love interest texted me  we didn't seem to be the right fit today.

Yesterday I had so much fun at the Japanese restaurant across the station. How two girls walked in and I knew they were a couple by the way they stood beside each other without even having to touch or say anything. I found it so funny how, when I got back from the bathroom, my older sister was talking to them because she knew one of them from uni. I felt their stares pierce through my skin out of curiosity.. I chuckled when my older sister asked me if I knew they were gay (yes) and if I thought they knew I was (yes).

I had so much fun at the flat with Mandy's cocktails, Ross' music selections, Dave's simple passcode to his devices, Maria's Greek heritage with Scottish touches and Maral's ability to be an inclusive soul. I felt so alive in the club, dancing with complete strangers and my loved ones. I loved how barstaff interacted with clients, the unspoken nod of acknowledgement. I smile when I think of the girls in the bathroom which was full opened the door and told me to come back because the toilets weren't in use (they were all just chatting outside them). I remembered why I always felt nostalgic when I was in Glasgow. How people and life seemed so simple, intense, proud.

On the drive back to Edinburgh I hadn't answered her text. Not because I was ignoring it but because thoughts always find a way to think the worst (and I may have been feeling motion sickness). I have learned to wait a bit after receiving unfortunate news. We were driving in the highway and the sky was pitch black with the exception of some scattered stars. Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro and I Want The World To Stop by Belle and Sebastian echoed in the speakers.

I heard my sisters and their boyfriends chat away about people and life and I realised I am sad it had to end but I am grateful for it.