As much as I enjoy using blogspot and as much as it has served as a great tool to externalize my thoughts, feelings, desires and what have you there are some moments that things don’t fit. I need to vent.
There is a sense of heaviness that I can’t explain. There have been times in life when forgiveness was the key and made my heart feel lighter. I wonder why I can’t feel that anymore. I wonder if I need to feel what it is I’m sensing and let me get engrossed with it so that acceptance can come forth. So I can finally feel at peace. So I can forgive. Not sure if forgiveness comes before feeling at peace though.
I feel mad at myself for not forgiving as easily as I used to and it makes me wonder who I am. I feel as if I have lost parts of myself. I know this is a part of life. I know that your twenties are supposed to be the years when you figure things out and that you’re not supposed to have everything put together etc.
This year has been the shittiest, toughest, most eye-opening year of my life. This is what scares me -how whenever I feel a negative emotion or have a negative thought, my automatic reaction is to make it positive and perhaps less ‘’real’’ than it actually is so as to bear weight off its impact – maybe to take away the power it has over me. I think that is it, essentially.
It is about wanting to have power over negativity and it is so emotionally and physically draining. When I try to immerse myself into doing other activities to take my mind off things, I don’t deal with the situation head on. When I do deal with the issues that upset me, I end up feeling worse, being unproductive, not taking care of myself, smoking more which leads to an unbreakable cycle of neglect.
I need to take some time for myself, to heal. So this is basically me saying I will be away for a while but I will hopefully be back online at some point in the future when I feel ready.
Copyright © M.E.S.
Online Users
There is a sense of heaviness that I can’t explain. There have been times in life when forgiveness was the key and made my heart feel lighter. I wonder why I can’t feel that anymore. I wonder if I need to feel what it is I’m sensing and let me get engrossed with it so that acceptance can come forth. So I can finally feel at peace. So I can forgive. Not sure if forgiveness comes before feeling at peace though.
I feel mad at myself for not forgiving as easily as I used to and it makes me wonder who I am. I feel as if I have lost parts of myself. I know this is a part of life. I know that your twenties are supposed to be the years when you figure things out and that you’re not supposed to have everything put together etc.
This year has been the shittiest, toughest, most eye-opening year of my life. This is what scares me -how whenever I feel a negative emotion or have a negative thought, my automatic reaction is to make it positive and perhaps less ‘’real’’ than it actually is so as to bear weight off its impact – maybe to take away the power it has over me. I think that is it, essentially.
It is about wanting to have power over negativity and it is so emotionally and physically draining. When I try to immerse myself into doing other activities to take my mind off things, I don’t deal with the situation head on. When I do deal with the issues that upset me, I end up feeling worse, being unproductive, not taking care of myself, smoking more which leads to an unbreakable cycle of neglect.
I need to take some time for myself, to heal. So this is basically me saying I will be away for a while but I will hopefully be back online at some point in the future when I feel ready.
Copyright © M.E.S.
Online Users
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