https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mld3NLHNebw

I’m listening to this song. The clock just ticked to midnight the moment I started writing.
I love how in these hours we feel most at peace. How, in order to find inner peace, the English sky never fully darkens in the summer. I remember how odd that felt to witness when I lived in Glasgow that year, coming home from a night out at 4 am with the bright sun out already.

I thought when we separated that I would go mad, I was so used to talking to you about anything and everything that I felt I had no one to vent to.

I remember the first days we started talking, planning Skype conversations and opening up too much and too quickly. Inappropriate sexual gifsets, inside jokes, my lists on word about conversation topics to go through.

I find it strange how I don’t enjoy capturing some moments which I know I will miss and almost always do. I think I do it on purpose so I can be ever present in that moment, take as much of it in as I can but then I miss it and the irony is my memory is strange – it often contains details of images and people and situations I never thought I would keep.

You know, I wrote you some letters a few days after we broke up. Some days I wrote more than one. They’re all in your box under my bed. I came across some videos you had sent me and pictures I thought I had forgotten. I had so much wine those days. I don’t think I had ever smoked so much or drank so much. I couldn’t understand how, even after we separated, you still cared to see I was okay and I was safe.

I remember you asked me once why I delete some of the pictures you send me. The other day, I came across some videos you made me. In one of them you told me not to cry while in others you made parodies about Matt Corby and Adele’s songs and there I was, uncontrollably bawling my eyes out of sadness from nostalgia and laughter because you really are a funny one.

I miss you so much sometimes but I also know you are doing the things that make you happy. All I ever wanted and want is for you to be at peace, little one. You deserve it so much. I am sometimes in pain as I ponder over the past about the ways I behaved and wish I could take back those moments. But this made me learn, this made me grow and mature, my girl, it really did.

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