19. A Letter To Someone That Hurt You

Dear - ,

You came into my life a long time before I clarified your presence and before you did mine.
I really did love you, you know. After a certain point, I can’t tell if I actually knew you at all or if it was the idea I had of you and that which you chose to present. I guess some of us hide who we truly are from time to time – not out of habit but out of fear or bad timing.

It hurt like hell but it opened my eyes. It was necessary for me to reach a level of humanity I would have never reached under other circumstances.

There were moments when I couldn’t listen to some songs and would change them as soon as the first sounds played onto my headphones. Sometimes I would dream of you and wake up in peace but then realize it was a dream and get a lump in my throat as I lied to myself that it was nothing and it meant nothing; that it was just my subconscious playing tricks on me. There were moments when I’d pass someone who reminded me of your smell and my mind would go numb for a while. There were moments when I would have the legs of others on my lap or the lips of others brushing against my own and would get flashbacks of that night.

It’s in the past now, it doesn’t hurt anymore and I regret nothing.  I sometimes wish I could go to my past self and to tell her to keep going and that things will be alright. As time goes by I realize the future is unpredictable and that’s what’s fascinating to me. Hate, jealousy and hypocrisy are an absolute waste of time but so is acting selfishly.

I don't think it's a profound theory of ethics. I think it's just about being human. Treating others the way you would like to be treated. 

It’s our choices, our behavior and our responsibility to take our feelings, ideas and thoughts and implement them into actions. Sometimes, not doing so is the appropriate solution. Nontheless, at least we can say we tried. Go out, do what makes you alive, be who you want to be but remember to be kind, gentle, brave and forgiving. 

What are you waiting for?

Love,

Marilena

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