Today, I went back to the town where I studied in and promoted my placement to 3rd year students. It literally felt like yesterday that I was in their position. I hadn't been there since my graduation. It felt so strange. Sort of like when a limb goes numb and you regain circulation and sensation in it a few moments later!

It has been six months since I started this placement and I feel like I have learned so much and matured. I feel like university tries to prepare you as much as possible but having experience is crucial to deliver that theoretical knowledge acquired over the years (regardless of how much case based learning you go through). The empirical knowledge is so so different. In the university setting you are often ''protected'' by the sheltered environment. Your answer or suggestions will not cause any real harm (maybe to your ego!). Your attempts at diagnosis, referral points and lab results are genuine and are worked out on a 'ruling out' basis (much like practice) but there are no real consequences.

I feel like this experience has brought me so much closer to patients and their understanding. I got to know the people behind some of the prescriptions and names I know. I saw what a difference tone of voice and body language have to patients when they come and seek your advice. What a difference it makes to introduce yourself to them and seek solutions or just provide a safe environment for them to vent to.

In the university events I have been attending, students act and express the same concerns my year did when we were in their position. There still is the notion of hospital pharmacists obviously being ''more academic'' versus community or other sector ones. I find it funny because it also existed when I was in university and you can see it in the students you approach to talk to that, for some reason, them expressing the idea that they want to go into hospital is more ''prestigous'' or ''intellectual''. How funny that a sense of elitism exists in every profession! 

Ended up going to a Syrian restaurant and heading home. The parents are visiting for a few days and I am so excited to hug them and spend time with them. Haven't seen them since graduation too! How crazy is that.

Think of the sacrifices we make on a daily basis for our work, our degree, our children or even our well being. How we often put off doing what we want. We categorize our happiness on life milestones such as getting married, getting pregnant, having a new job, finding a new partner or even starting all over again in a new city.

Life is happening now. It is going to carry on, like it has many times before when you wondered how you would wake up in the morning and proceed with your day. The sun will rise even if your heart got broken or someone's words burned the inner fabrication of your being; the night will arrive when you will long for the momentary release of not being immersed in an existential multiwoven soliloquy. 

Coat your sorrow with adventure and wonder, learn to find peace in solitude. Try something you haven't before. Let yourself wander into a museum and don't look at the time (unless you obviously have to be somewhere). Some interesting encounters in my life so far came from appreciating my alone time. They also came from traveling long distances or 'going through Istanbul' as my teachers used to say.. I have come to peace with it. 

I have come to peace knowing that I will live a life of more funny coincidences, simple gestures of love and clumsy situations. Perhaps it is the way I perceive the world or what I attract and what I expect. I do not, by no means, want a life without laughter or sense of defeatism. 

New Year's (Re)solution

Perhaps it is the futility of the date
That happiness comes in waves
The aftertaste is rippling, uneven, maybe even perfect.

Perhaps my luck with partners or family has a way of materialising itself on important days and celebrations; my life is a series of clumsy comedic examples. Such as when I scratched my family car on my Mom's birthday as I was out to get her a gift but had to ring her. How, an online childhood crush ended up kissing a good friend of mine one New Year's eve when my family and I were in Beirut. Such as when my ex broke up with me on New Year's Eve a few years ago. Or when a love interest texted me  we didn't seem to be the right fit today.

Yesterday I had so much fun at the Japanese restaurant across the station. How two girls walked in and I knew they were a couple by the way they stood beside each other without even having to touch or say anything. I found it so funny how, when I got back from the bathroom, my older sister was talking to them because she knew one of them from uni. I felt their stares pierce through my skin out of curiosity.. I chuckled when my older sister asked me if I knew they were gay (yes) and if I thought they knew I was (yes).

I had so much fun at the flat with Mandy's cocktails, Ross' music selections, Dave's simple passcode to his devices, Maria's Greek heritage with Scottish touches and Maral's ability to be an inclusive soul. I felt so alive in the club, dancing with complete strangers and my loved ones. I loved how barstaff interacted with clients, the unspoken nod of acknowledgement. I smile when I think of the girls in the bathroom which was full opened the door and told me to come back because the toilets weren't in use (they were all just chatting outside them). I remembered why I always felt nostalgic when I was in Glasgow. How people and life seemed so simple, intense, proud.

On the drive back to Edinburgh I hadn't answered her text. Not because I was ignoring it but because thoughts always find a way to think the worst (and I may have been feeling motion sickness). I have learned to wait a bit after receiving unfortunate news. We were driving in the highway and the sky was pitch black with the exception of some scattered stars. Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro and I Want The World To Stop by Belle and Sebastian echoed in the speakers.

I heard my sisters and their boyfriends chat away about people and life and I realised I am sad it had to end but I am grateful for it.

08/11/2018

This song. It popped up in my notifications on Youtube. Ariana sang it on the Ellen show and I saw some comments saying to watch a certain part of it eg when she almost slipped and she genuinely exclaimed 'woah' and laughed. Even when she got emotional and her dancers acted extra silly so she could laugh.

I was thinking about this the other day - that she has been through some tough situations over the past two years. What with the Manchester attack.. she came back two weeks later and held the concert with other musicians. Money she made from there went to the victims' families. She could have easily not wanted to go on tour at all after what happened. Who knows the guilt she felt. She made that decision to do something in the face of hate. Even with 'No Tears Left To Cry' - the message was powerful and symbolic.

She lost an ex of hers this year - 'Mac Miller' (Malcolm McCormick) - who had overdosed. In her song 'Thank U, Next' she addresses him as an 'angel'. His song 'Self Care' has been so eye opening and on repeat when I am able to listen to music and let my mind wander. In the music video, Malcolm is smoking in a wooden box.. I just found that video so strange and morbid. It also had a really strong message behind being proud and loyal to yourself too.

Ariana broke up with her fiance too this year (Pete?).This girl released a freaking song about being thankful for her exes and those who have taught her so many things. What a role model... seriously.

It is so easy to get mad at the world and everyone whether it was an ex-partner or ex-friend. It comes from being in pain which I get.. but these past few periods in my life have also taught me so much. Sometimes you can't win, no matter how hard you try to avoid heartbreak or negative people and circumstances. We can't control what happens to us but we can acknowledge it, let us digest it and control how we act afterwards.

'Self-Care' and 'Thank U, Next' are the songs that, ironically, give off such a deep message of life. This is it. One of the people is dead while the other still sings. This is life. I was listening to 'Thank U, Next' on the bus on the way back from work and smiled. I realised.. it is an honor to share my thoughts with someone else and for them to do the same. It has been so long that I opened up my heart to another and felt that ''feeling'' after so many years. I wonder what I will learn this time..!

Autumn Lieu

I dream of those solemnly yellow glows;

They illuminate the very wonders of autumn temperament

The rays give off a complexion of jazz notes, cold fall nights and an unfinished alcoholic toast

Chet Baker's ''Almost Blue'' plays in the background

While  we're on our youth high horse

Funny how we experience escapism by leaving and keeping busy or staying by ourselves the most.

There's an apartment out there which is yet to be lived in and called my own

A street yet to be walked on and a bus I have yet to run for

There are lips which have yet to be kissed and kindness yet to be shared

Meals which have yet to be ventured and freshly washed socks mysteriously left to be unpaired

Alas, we wake up and sleep every day that comes my darling

Thinking that tomorrow is guaranteed and that hardships have been delayed, if not, shunned

When all we really want, for the most part, is for bliss and sorrow to be shared and not tackled alone

Copyright © M.E.S

(Picture source: x )

07/03/15

07/03/15

It continues in a dream
A beam
So small you’d think it was never meant to be seen
Lures me in, chest forward, chiseled chin
Wall nearin’

A sense of
Sin
Dysfunctional genetics
(t)-Win?
Dysphoria kicks in
Strokes of black cover my skin

Indulge in the lips, the neck
Pulsating heels
Blood runs
Speck by speck

Cyclic motion of sentimental glances.
Tip toeing around forgotten chances
Oh, the unseen dances
Where is the need for romances

Breathe, feel
Exhale, peel

This is a dream.
It is not real.

Copyrigh
Copyright © M.E.S.t ©Copyright © M.E.S. M.E.S.

Ονειρεύτηκα χθες ότι περνούσα ένα στενό κι ήταν βράδυ. Αισθανόμουν πως ήμουν στην Αθήνα αλλά ήμουν στη Νάουσα; Ότι ήμουν εκεί για ένα συνέδριο αλλά ότι ήμουν με οικογένεια;
Και το αίσθημα του να στέλνω μήνυμα σε πρόσωπα που βρίσκονται στις πόλεις που επισκέπτομαι πάντα μου έβγαινε σε άγχος. Άγχος ότι δε θα τους αφιερώσω το χρόνο που θέλουν ή το χρόνο που θέλω εγώ να τους αφιερώσω είτε επειδή έχω καιρό να τους δω, είτε επειδή είναι οικογένεια, είτε επειδή με φιλοξενούν κ.ο.κ.
Εντελώς τυχαία, λοιπόν, περνούσα το δρόμο στο όνειρο έχοντας τη σκέψη να φτάσω στο προορισμό μου για να μη με δει κανείς (τι σου κάνει το υποσυνείδητο!). Περίμενα να περάσει ένα αυτοκίνητο για να περάσω κι ήταν τότε που είδα ένα παλιό μου άτομο να κοιτάει από τη θέση του οδηγού. Κατάλαβα ποια ήταν κι αυτή με κατάλαβε και κάτι μέσα μου ήλπιζε ότι θα σταματούσε αλλά με προσπέρασε με μεγαλύτερη ταχύτητα.
Στο όνειρο θυμάμαι έτρεξα σπίτι κι είχα τόση αδρεναλίνη. Στο όνειρο, είχα να τη δω χρόνια - όπως και τώρα. Ήμουν μόνη στο σπίτι και τότε χτύπησε η πόρτα και μπήκε μέσα χωρίς χαιρετίσματα χωρίς κάτι άλλο, με κοίταξε κι απλά άρχισε να με φιλάει.
Μου φάνηκε τόσο περίεργο πόσο ''οικεία'' αισθάνθηκα που έβγαζα τα ρούχα της κι αυτή τα δικά μου. Που ήξερα ακριβώς τι της αρέσει, ποιο ήταν το σημείο που ''έλιωνε'' να ακουμπάω και με ποιο τρόπο, που τη φιλούσα στο λαιμό κι άκουγα πόσο της άρεζε - με εξίταρε όλο τόσο πολύ.
Σύντομα μετά, απλά άρχισα να κλαίω και της είπα να φύγει. Τότε ξύπνησα.

Ξανακοιμήθηκα. Είδα πως ήμουν κάπου που το τσιμέντο σου έδινε μια αίσθηση κουλτούρας. Ήμουν σε ένα από εκείνα τα τουριστικά λεωφορεία που ήταν ταυτόχρονια εστιατόριο (δεν έχω ιδέα τι σκέφτεται το υποσυνείδητό μου πάλι). Ήμουν με την οικογένειά μου. Είδα ένα άλλο πρόσωπο του παρελθόντος που είχαμε ραντεβού πιο μετά. Ανέβηκε με τη παρέα της αλλά δεν είχε χώρο και κατέβηκε. Χαιρετηθήκαμε από μακριά, της χαμογέλασα και της έκλεισα το μάτι - τότε μου χαμογέλασε κοιτώντας με με ένα βλέμμα λες και προετοίμαζε για το μετά. Δεν ξέρω τι. Ήταν από τα πιο αγνά χαμόγελα που έχω δει σε όνειρο και μου έκανε εντύπωση.