01/05/11

I saw some posts I wrote about two years ago. It's strange how things can change. It's hard to accept that things change. That people change. Things and people will always change. Accepting that there is nothing you can do about it is hard for most. I was one of them. I sometimes still believe I am due to the fact that the unfamiliar seems that it won't be as good as that which I once knew and that which I once felt would be the ideal to constantly feel.
What if we were to live in a world where things would stay the same? Where the outcome of things would always be the same. No surprises; no excitement. The same cycle over and over again.
Then again, how can love be unconditional and everlasting if everything changes? How can friendships be promised to last forever if there is no forever?
How am I sure that there is no forever?
These thoughts keep on making my head spin. So so many thoughts.
I sometimes find that these changes have made me stronger, more confident, more honest, more considerate, more willing to risk and stand up for those I love and care about and for what I believe in.
I don't have the answer to many things. But I sometimes wonder that that's beautiful. Not knowing..
I do have the answer to some things though. I can justify lots of situations with the presence or absence of love. It has always worked for me ever since I realized it. Every movement, every smile, every glance, any act from any person out there.
I think I found the answer.
I saw a documentary of this woman who was born in Kalamata and went to Brussels to study at some point in her life. There, she met this man who was twenty years older than her and was of royal descent (from what I remember). They fell madly in love and she told some of his family members that she won't know what to do when he passes away, seeing that since he was older, he would be the one that would leave this earth before she did.
It turns out that she got infected by this type of microbe that spread to her back bone. She went to Austria to get treated. It seems that the treatment wasn't effective and she died. Just like that.
There are many circumstances like these.
My mind races and I think of this interview J.K Rowling once did and she said that love is the most important thing. That when 9/11 took place, the people who knew they were going to die that day immediately called their loved ones just to tell them that they loved them.
I think that that's all it comes down to.
Aside the hate, the resentment, the anger, the hurt you may feel for a person (or even more people), will that all matter?
We don't realize that our time is limited. That we may not be here tomorrow. That what occurred between a person and us doesn't have much significance in front of death. Let me change the meaning :  that whatever has occurred doesn't have much significance in front of life.
Forgiveness? Ever heard of that? It's a rare trait. I'm not saying I'm a know it all. I sure am not. I still have a lot to witness and experience. But from the experience I do possess, I can definitely say that forgiveness can make you better person. It can heal you. It has been scientifically proven. Serious face. Okay, maybe not (!), but don't you feel better when you forgive? And I don't mean the type of forgiving that occurs when you're eight and you have a fight with a friend of yours and she feels bad and asks you to forgive her because she feels large amounts of guilt (even that is a great form of forgiveness!). I'm talking about the type of forgiveness that comes from the heart (or the head, I'm still trying to figure that out).
Selfishness and jealousy. Ahh.. nice to see you guys again. I'm kidding. But really.. these dudes can destroy your life and relationships. They are very hard to get away from. Especially the second one. And the first one. Okay, both.
I do believe it is possible to let those elements out of your life. Replace the 'selfish' with 'selfless' and you have 'selflessness'. There is an indescribable satisfaction in giving and getting nothing in return ''just because''.
Jealousy? We have all felt it at some point or another. It is hard to let go. I feel ya. What I find that helps is letting go. Most of you thought about the Titanic scene, didn't you? Admit it, it's okay.
But yeah, letting go is a very important and difficult step. But it is worth it.
I need to study. I need to study. I need to study.
I just can't stop thinking about the fact that it will be over in a couple of weeks.
Mixed emotions. I CAN FEEL, MAN.
Okay, that was unnecessary.
Then again, I like the unnecessary.

I Must Stop Being A Coward And Learn To Say I’m Sorry « Thought Catalog

I Must Stop Being A Coward And Learn To Say I’m Sorry « Thought Catalog

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Touch Of Soul

You sway across the dry land of the past.

The velvet cloth of your silk robe swipes the dust of those who fought for the price of beauty and borders.

The sun sets while forbidden loves are being prolonged.

A soul is always with you, but you never seem to notice.

You follow the direction of the wind in search of chaos and fire.

You do not know what you are looking for. However, you walk.

You hear voices exclaiming your deepest secrets; whispering your unrequited prayers and desires.

A soul is always with you, but you never seem to notice.

You wish for men to be damned; ‘Curse beauty! Curse hedonism! Curse wine and music and the melody of silence and touch!’, you scream.

Your voice echoes through the distances of history,

into the future of perfection and superficiality.

A soul is always with you, but you never seem to notice.

You seek the skies for a sign to leave this earth, for an exit to your despair and futility.

You lay in thousands of grains of sand, longing to be an emotionless piece amongst many emotionless pieces; longing to be anything but a woman; anything but a reason for bloodshed.

Your right hand trembles as it reaches your left breast, where it remains.

You feel warmth in your left hand while a tear streams down your delicate face.

You freeze as you turn to face the presence, the soul, but you find nothing there.

Your left hand turns empty and cold.

A soul was always with you, but you never seemed to notice.

However, you walk.Online Users

20/02/12

I'm just sitting here.. waiting for it to happen.

Wait, what is 'it'? What am I waiting for really?

I go over memories again and again. Over analyzing things that could have been and things I should have done. Nonetheless, I will agree with the infamous phrase that 'everything happens for a reason'.

I've been feeling so weak yet so strong lately. I can hardly explain it. Experiencing strong emotions can take its' toll on the way you perceive ethics, justice.. life in general.

I have changed in so many ways yet stayed the same in others. I don't know if what I'm going through is some sort of a phase.. some hormonal outrage.. all I know is that I can't sit still.

I'm so curious at times.. this extent of curiosity has a shaded limit that drives me crazy. I often feel that I am not myself. That I'm talking and speaking with words that I can't feel for the majority of the time.

When I laugh, bend rules, read various forms of literature, view art, listen to special music, wipe away tears, hug those who need it .. I feel free. I feel that this is what life is about.

I just feel so confused because this perception of what life should be like is not compatible to what most have in mind. Does that make me ''wrong''?

Freedom's Weather

A breath. It all begins with a breath. It all ends with one.

A sigh. You express your fear with a sigh. You lay exhausted from a long day with a sigh.

A beautiful being often comes to the surface to greet me.

Bittersweet memories are engraved in this poor human mind.

All of me desires to hold her, to kiss her and tell her things are fine.

All of me desires to see her cry; a profound miracle, a sense so divine.

I can never be a part of her movements, her thoughts.

Her thoughts expressed in the form of poetry, music and words.

Words so powerful, they make me want to disappear and burn.

Only her tears can let me in; only her fears can set me free.

Life is not a puzzle – life is a puzzle piece.

If I have learnt one thing along the way, it is to leave others gracefully with love

If I have kept one thing along the way, it is to learn how to release from my grasp, the dreams from above.

This being cannot grow if I am around.

I am a curse. I am an unwanted sound.

This being cannot value the experiences in life if my presence is near .

I am here, I’ll always be here.

This being cannot sprout wings and fly with freedom embedded in every feather if I don’t let her go.

I can’t foresee freedom’s weather. I can’t foresee tomorrow . Online Users

Poetry

I read abstracts of several poets or writers or friends and I cry.

I cry because I never thought I could feel what was being described.

I cry because my core has been broken.

I cry because I can feel.

I cry because I realize beautiful things.

I cry because I finally acknowledge humanism.

I cry because at last I can discern the indirect meanings.

I cry because I don't want to accept the fact that I can't change what has happened.

I cry because I know that it's my duty to change what can possibly happen.

I cry because..

Because I can.

Dad

This is a picture of me and my Dad at this Lebanese restaurant last summer. There are times when I don't realize his absence and others when I miss him so much and just want him to be near me and hang out or talk. When he visits, he tends to bring more food or hygiene supplies rather than clothes. I like the fact that when he plays with his helicopter toy, he gets this delirious expression on his face as if he's a child and it's only him and his helicopter. I like the fact that I can talk to him about things apart from school. I like that he can openly tell me that he's too tired to spend time with me and go and sleep. I like that he treats me equally when we play backgammon. I miss his smell- soap and smoke. I miss his phrases ('did you brush your teeth?', 'sish-bish', 'spongey'). I miss being able to fit under the blankets with him. I miss him telling me that I'm a 'beauty'. I miss having driving lessons with him after trying how to figure out how to work the radio system. Ahh, I love you Dad.

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